Robin Van Persie Abuses Children Using A Football

Don't worry this is not actually a child abuse story, but it does involve Dutch internet freestyle footballers and Robin Van Persie at his tournament in Rotterdam taking the proverbial out of youth players.

Years ago I stubbled upon some YouTube videos of Touzani doing unbelievable futsal skills and freestyling on the streets of Holland. These soon went viral and rumours were he was friends with Van Persie, turns out It's true.

Tekkers galore on show and some may say that It's against kids, however performing these footballing skills with no pressure is something that Joe Public wishes they could do.

The standard terrace shout of "I could do better than that" is often heard around any top flight football match. This clip of Van Persie just emphasises how bloody good top level footballers actually are. Wearing jeans isn't great for football but he is wearing the mythical Adidas Sambas. Everybody knows they are the finest footy shoes ever created. Fact.

I enjoy seeing world class footballers casually showing their class by having a kick about with us peasants or generally being cool guys outside of match day.

Here are  two more of my favourite videos of Zidane and Seedorf showing how good they really are. Almost Godlike.

Zizou shows the most casual and undeniable balance and control humanly possible. He is clearly just walking this kick-about and his level of skill makes the other guys playing look like fools.

His technique is sickeningly natural with everything he does. You can't teach that shiz.

Seedorf is still playing and at Botafogo in Brazil. He has always been blessed with a fantastic all round game and in 2010 he did a World Cup master class with BBC analysing the new Jabulani football. The moment he puts a free-kick wearing jeans and trainers in to the top corner is awesome and just proves what a ruddy good bloke he is and a modern day legend of the game.
Seedorf is cool and classy with his long range strike

At 36, he's still got it.

Barça to sign Neymar da Silva Santos Junior

Next season's 100 goal strike force?

Another real life Footy Manager 2013 transfer has happened. Finally, the super skilful and talented Neymar has a agreed terms to sign with Los Cules this coming Monday. Obviously the lure of European and a worldwide appeal was too much for the diminutive Brazilian and to be fair he was expected to leave a long time ago.

 This is the type of thing Neymar has been doing week in week out in Brazil, playing with the freedom and flair and delighting the Santos fans in the process.

He is an entertainer with unbelievable dribbling and skill, doing what he wants it seems. However the main issue is his play acting or simulation which he has honed in the Brazilian league, where it is more culturally acceptable to be rewarded for doing something well, diving and then receiving a free kick.

If you watch Neymar here as he performs a ludicrous show-boating move. The defender gets a straight red and Neymar does the old 'I've been shot Guv'nor!' and falls head over heels. The ref is done hook, line and sinker at this move.

I do hope he develops and his understanding of staying on his feet becomes apparent as he has the ability to pass, shoot, dribble and entertain his way into footballing folklore.

My element of scepticism aside, Neymar's dribbling ability is one that combines speed with the ball and unique tricks. I really do hope he shines in the Champions League and the thought of Messi, Iniesta and Neymar as an attacking threat... It's going to be awesome.

Perfect timing for this transfer, as 2014 is a World Cup year and if this Brazilian wonderkid can hit the ground running at the Nou Camp. Then Brazil could be crowned World Cup winners on home soil ("samba samba samba!")

 He really does have the footballing world at his youthful feet and what better club than at Barcelona. Hopefully their tiki- taka style of football can get the very best out of the 21 year old. Do we have another Lionel Messi at Barca? Or is he another Alexander Hleb ..?

You are tolerating Pie Sports News

So here you are... Attempting to read the first installment of Pie Sports News. Fairly average blog name, however It will have a no frills style and tasty helping of piping hot opinions. Hopefully I can stir up a debate in relation to the current sporting issues. There we have it.

"Let's be 'avin you! Come on!"

(Delia Smith CBE 28-2-05)

Alex Ferguson's Transfers: The Good, The Bad and The Tevez

Sir Alex Ferguson is finally hanging up his lucky coat and will soon have chewed his last packet of blue Extra. In tribute to the managerial overlord, I have compiled two teams of his Manchester United transfers. Firstly, a team of great value signings from his Utd tenure. Then a team of utterly horrendous transfers who failed to perform for the Red Devils.

Here are the players bought by Ferguson that in my opinion have been fantastic value for money and are true legends of the game.

Fergie's Best Transfers Eleven

1. Peter Schmeichel- The great Dane was bought for £500,000 and arguably was SAF's greatest signing. A fantastic shot stopper with a unique 'starfish' style of one-on-one goalkeeping made him a legend of the game and this team's keeper.
2. Viv Anderson- The tall rangy England right back was one of Fergie's first signings in his bid to create a new dominating Utd. Bought from bitter rivals Arsenal it was a huge coup and the type of player that epitomised what Alex wanted in a footballer.
3. Dennis Irwin- Hard working, intelligent and a brilliant tackler. Irwin was signed for £625,000 from Oldham and it proved to be an extremely astute purchase. His free-kick and penalty attributes were crucial for Utd but his longevity and reliability were even more important.
4. Jaap Stam- An ogre of a man and a unrelenting force at the back for Utd. The Dutchman was a frighteningly strong defender, rapid and had a dominating aerial ability to match. Ferguson is still adamant that selling Stam was one of the biggest mistakes he made as Man Utd boss.
5. Rio Ferdinand- Signed from Leeds Utd for a record breaking fee was pressure enough in itself. However, elegance and word class defending was Rio's bread and butter under Sir Alex. Besides from saying "you've been merked", there can be few people that can doubt his class and his ability to prove the critics wrong
6. Roy Keane- The Irishman's aggressive attitude and tenacious tackling were harnessed by Ferguson and turned into a dominant combative midfielder. In his prime there were few better and few so intimating as him. Keano as a captain was the driving force behind what exactly Fergie wanted on the pitch.
7. Eric Cantona- Signed from bitter rivals Leeds Utd, Cantona brought flare, excitement and entertainment to Old Trafford. King Eric was a troubled character but with Ferguson's guidance he was able to get the very best out of him. Undoubtedly one of the best players to grace the English Premiership, Cantona was a misunderstood genius of the modern game.
8. Paul Ince- 'The Guv'nor' was a swaggering central midfielder with a stamina, pace and a 'foot like a traction engine'. Bought for £1 million in 1989, Ince was a controversial bargain of a transfer appearing in a Man Utd strip while still contracted to West Ham.
9. Cristiano Ronaldo- In a friendly against Sporting Lisbon, a fresh faced 17 year old showed enough glimpses of skill for Sir Alex to pay £12.2 million for him. Fergie transformed Ronaldo from a player who did more lollipops than Willy Wonka's factory to a world beater. Unbelievable dribbling technique, speed, strength and a rocket of a shot, Ronny scores almost a goal a game and is one of the current best.
10. Wayne Rooney- Bought as a Evertonian boy with bags of potential  Wazza scored a hat-trick on his Champions League debut. There is no doubt that Fergie has tamed the beast which is Rooney and his all round ability can surely be credited to his coaching and having such a strong father figure in Sir Alex. There are questions over Rooney's form this season, however what he brings to the United team  as a forward is much more than just goals.
11. Mark Hughes- Signed for the second time in 1988, Sparky was a dynamic goalscorer and the scorer of many an important goal including his outrageous equalising goal against Oldham in the FA Cup semi final. Hard working, quick and strong Hughes was given another chance at Utd and Ferguson got the very best out of him as his mentor. 

It can be argued that Van Der Sar, Bruce, Pallister, Vidic, Solskjaer, Cole, Yorke or Van Nistelrooy could have made the eleven. But I thought that it would be good to have a strong bench and a squad rotation which Fergie has always applied in his teams...

This is my team of misfits, signed by Ferguson in a moment of madness or drunkeness. Probably a combination of both to be fair.

 

Fergie's Worst Tranfers Eleven

1. Massimo Taibi- A £4.5 million transfer to Man Utd is stuff dreams are made of. However, after a flapping man of the match debut followed an unforgivable error against Southampton where the ball seemed to be under 'The Blind Venetian's' control but squirmed through the legs trickling over the line into the back of the net. Soon after he was loaned out to Reggina and banished from playing for Utd ever again.
2. Florent N'Galula- Signed as a youth player, could play in defence or midfield and tagged again as the new Patrick Viera. N'Galula never had the ability to get anywhere near the first team, yet alone the reserves. He stayed at United for 4 years and did next to nothing.
3. David May- Currently a wine merchant and when he played for Man Utd was a shit merchant. May had the fortune to play beside excellent defenders at Blackburn and Utd for the majority of his career. Not blessed with any real pace or skill, being a large lump of a man was adequate enough to be a squad player for Fergie and world class photo-bomber. If you look at the 98/99 celebrations of Man Utd winning the Champions League David May is at the forefront of most of the celebrations... Despite not playing a minute in the competition.
4. William Prunier- Joined Utd as Cantona's continental defender team mate. The anticipation and excitement didn't last long as a string of disastrous games in a make shift Utd defence called the end of his short stayed Utd career. In 1998 he joined Heart Of Midlothian and couldn't get a game. Pretty much says it all.
5. Pat McGibbon- Signed for £100,000, McGibbon made his debut appearance in the League Cup against York City in 1995. Man Utd lost the match 3-0 and McGibbon was sent off, resulting in no further appearances under Alex Ferguson. Utter utter mince.
6. Ralph Milne- WHO? I hear you ask... I remember from years ago in a Fergie interview, him stating that this Scottish bloke was the worst signing he ever made. He did however have similar talents to George Best at Manchester United... alcohol and gambling problems.
7. Jordi Cruyff- Having a Dad as one of the game's all time greats is enough pressure to buckle the strongest of men. Jordi however at times looked like he was playing rounders rather than playing at Old Trafford. No real end product and unable to adapt to the English Premiership pace of football, the fans never took to Johan's son.
8. Eric Djemba Djemba- So bad they named him twice. During the fashionable era of ultra combative defensive mifielders, this Cameroonian International was dubbed the next big thing. A string of highly unimpressive displays and the unique skill of giving the ball away almost every time, Eric was never destined for success as a first team Manchester United player.
9. Liam Miller- Signed off the back of excellent performances for Celtic in the SPL. Miller was expected to be a cross between Keane and Scholes. But he turned out to be about as good as a slug and Jonny Lee Miller. I may be seen as quite harsh but I had first hand experience seeing him play for my club Hibs and he was pretty diabolical.
10. Bebe- Ferguson forked out £7.4 million, yes £7.4 million on the back of a European Street Football tournament in Bosnia. Much was expected of this enigmatic Portuguese youngster, so when he took to the pitch for Utd fans were unpleasantly surprised by his lack of quality for his price tag. There were rumours that Bebe was homeless and played at the Homeless World Cup, although his style of play could be compared to that of a pissed tramp raking through a bin.
11. Dong Fangzhuo- Signed for £500,000 with the possibility of a further £3.5 million depending on games, Dong was loaned straight out to Antwerp for work permit reasons. After a couple of years Utd were hoping this young Chinese goalscorer would come back and be the diamond in the rough they were looking for. But it came quite apparent that Fangzhuo was in fact a lump of coal that Ferguson would not fuel his Manchester engine with.

I have a confession to make. As a young lad I 'supported' Man Utd for several years following their undeniable success. Then one day I woke up and realised that I was just following the glory and was quite bored of them winning every match. My solution was close to home, which is why I support my local team Hibernian FC and I have been basking in disappointment and poor football for many years now. I love it and winning really is overrated.

Sir Alex Ferguson is another Scottish legend of the game who will be remembered as one of the best managers of all time. It's just a shame there are so many world class Scottish coaches and not any footballers these days.

Play Sports? Got A Beard? You Are Great.

Everyone should appreciate a fine beard and if you don't, well I hate you. They can symbolise many things, like freedom or maturity but mainly just undoubted awesomeness.

Not strictly a sportsman. But a bearded Greek god-like athlete

Much deliberation has been had in creating a list of 6 such hairy heroes. The criteria is as follows:

Type of beard

Style

Coolness

Status of the sportsman

Manliness 

6. James Harden - Houston Rockets - USA - Basketball

James Harden owns the most bodacious beard in the NBA

Dream Team + Beard = Awesome

Anybody who shoots hoops of the calibre of James Harden and can pull off a slick beard should have a bronze statue of them erected. Harden's beard has a Facebook page and Twitter account and has inspired songs and t-shirts. Brilliant.

5. Josh Strauss - Glasgow Warriors - South Africa - Rugby

Great Scot! what a beard

Loves a beardy selfie

I particularly appreciate Josh Strauss's bushy beard. Physically imposing bosh machine and back row forward who puts his facial hair on the line every match.  I'm even more proud to be Scottish, with the knowledge that he plays his rugby in this very country. What a bloke.

4. Paul Breitner - West Germany - Bayern Munich - Real Madrid - Football

"No beard Keegan? Don't touch me..."

Not exactly a beard in this photo. But anyone that  looks
cool with a handlebar moustache, a perm and a yellow Jagermeister T-Shirt is beyond worthy for this short-list

Paul Breitner the marauding left back turned box-to-box midfielder had the 70's beard and perm combination down to an art. Pretty sexual for a man who was one of only four footballers ever to score in two different World Cup finals. Oh... the others were Vava, Zidane and Pele. Enough said.

3. Andrea Pirlo - Juventus - Italy - Football

The Architect

Italian Stallion

Andrea Pirlo was supposedly past it. Declined a new contract by Milan and released on a free. What better way to make a comeback than to grow a beautiful thick beard and pick up Serie A player of the season in the process with Juventus. L'architetto is a truly legendary deep lying playmaker that continues to dominate matches and beard competitions in equal measures.

2. Sebastian Chabal - Lyon - France - Rugby

A day in the life

Vogue

Sebastain Chabal is one of the bearded wonders of the modern facial hair world.  L'Homme Des Carvernes: 'The Caveman', is 6ft4 and almost 18st who's style of play can only be described as Neanderthal like. The contact area is his best friend and in his prime the most feared tackler and ball carrier in global rugby Chabalmania is a thing in France and with wild long flowing hair and a big bushy beard to match he is an icon of the professional game and a beard enthusiast's idol. Viva le barbe!

1. Socrates - 1954-2011 - Garforth Town - Brazil - Football

Dr Socrates- World Cup captain

Too cool to do his own stretches

Socrates who sadly past away in 2011, will be remembered for being one of the very best footballers of all time. He combined technique and grace as a midfield playmaker for Brazil at two World Cups. In my opinion qualified Doctor Socrates was the epitome of cool, having a striking beard and afro/perm look in the 70's and 80's is magnificent. Wearing a headband which read "people need justice",made political statements stylish. Described as a genius, intellectual or legend doesn't do this heavy drinking, heavy smoking, beardly God justice. Even his appearance for the last 12 minutes of a match for Garforth Town at the age of 50 transcended coolness.

All I can say is that this maverick of a man was a one off and brought joy to millions of beard enthusiasts and the other types of people around the world. He will be remembered as the great philosopher of football.

No Harry, not even a woollen beard can hide that melted fox face of yours. Go away

Scottish Player of The Year Breakdown

Nominees for Player of the Year Award 2013

Looking at the current state of the SPL, you would be forgiven for not giving a toss about who is playing well and what your team is doing in the league. However, the small shining light has to be a handful of players outside of  the 'all conquering complainers' Celtic.

This year the SPL has been one of the most evenly matched seasons in recent memory (taking Celtic out of the equation and Rangers demotion to the 3rd division). The Highland teams of Caley and Ross Country have exceeded their fans wildest expectations in particular. But this all about those individuals who have been voted by their peers as the standout performers this season;

Michael Higdon- Motherwell
Leigh Griffiths- Hibernian
Andrew Shinnie- Inverness Caledonian Thistle
Nial McGinn- Aberdeen

Just another day at Fir Park

We have the Well hit-man Michael Higdon. At first glance he is a typical target man in stature, with some suggesting that he is carrying a bit of extra timber (weekly away fans appreciation of "You fat baastaarrd") . There are in fact many more strings to this beefy man's bow on the football pitch. Capable of accurate, powerful first time finishes as a front line poacher or as a dominant aerial threat from corners and free-kicks, he has consistently shown that scoring goals is his mince and tatties. The aspect of his game which has been excellent this season is his footwork with the ball. His large frame combined with a natural delicate touch often creates space in and around the box. The 6ft2 striker is excellent at dropping deep and creating space to distribute passes out to the wide areas with Humphrey, (previously) Jamie Murphy and (currently) Sir James McFadden who all are more than capable at being direct and go past any player in the Scottish top flight. Resulting in more times than not a well timed run and finish from 'The Don'. In the same mold as John Hartson or Dean Ashton- who incidentally was a team mate at Crewe Alexandra, Higdon keeps the nostalgic flame glowing as an 'old fashioned centre forward'.

Looks like a thumb

Leigh 'Sparky' Griffiths has had a vast improvement with discipline on field this season for the Mighty Hibees. As a Hibernian FC supporter, I'm very aware that he is basically an idiot. But as a footballer, is one of the most talented in the SPL right now. The impending doom of his loan deal eventually being up at the end of the season to go back to Wolves who start next season in League 1 is a sad one... Not just for Hibs, but as a entertainment spectacle up and down Scottish top flight footy. 

Griffiths has lead the line this year for a stuttering Hibs, with their league form promising up until Christmas then after that it was fairly disgusting in the hunt for a top 6 finish. His Scottish Cup form alongside a punishing league scoring ratio could see a 30 goal mark come the end of the season which hasn't been seen at Easter Road for many a year. Acceleration and a slalom like dribble has had 50% of the SPL defenders on their backsides. This is not a fact but it is probably true... A left foot which delivers and scores free kicks, takes corners and powers in screamers from outside the box is a priceless commodity at this level. The only issue is that Griffiths tends to be a one man team and blinker his team-mates and this is a big problem if he is having a stinker. Which at a higher level (future Scotland call-up) will not be effective or tolerated as part of a team unit.

I'll be sad to see Leigh Griffiths leave Hibs purely on footballing terms. Love him or hate him, he can win games by himself  or tell someone to "fuck off" on Twitter. Great lad.

I'm good at celebrating

Birmingham City bound Andrew Shinnie of Inverness Caledonian Thistle has been the fulcrum for the Highlanders, just like Christopher Lambert in The Highlander. Although he is not a immortal warrior, his performances for Caleys this season have boosted his credentials as a quality attacking midfielder. A call-up to the International stage was somewhat a shock and Shinnie was Caley's first Scottish player to be brought in for a Scotland cap. In terms of ability he seems to have a very strong all round game with a uncanny ability to probe passes through tight formations and taking the ball past opponents with ease. It is refreshing in my opinion to see a player not dragged down to the 3rd Division with Rangers and actually commit to a 'smaller' team. The Shinster's consistency and work ethic epitomises this Inverness Caley team under the guidance of Terry Butcher, who could be in for a shout for Manager of the Year too if they push on and grab that 3rd European spot.

'Red Granite'

Niall McGinn has been Aberdeen's shining light in a season where they struggled with the expectation of becoming a solid experienced team pushing for Europe. Scoring for fun in the first half of the season, McGinn's technique and direct style of attacking have made him a force to be reckoned with. His work ethic is sometimes overlooked and if the other two strikers in Rory Fallon and Scott Vernon were able to discover consistency for more than a handful of games at a time then I'm sure that McGinn would be close to top goal scorer and the Dons higher up the league. For a player to have scored 14 goals in 20 games by the end or December and rumours of Championship English clubs offering about a million for the Northern Irishman at this time, it speaks volumes for a man who scored and outplayed Cristiano Ronaldo during Northern Ireland's World Cup Qualifying away game against Portugal last year. A slightly slower second half of the season could count against Niall in his quest for the PFA Scotland's player of the year. However there is much more to his game than just goals, with sublime offensive movement and skill to change the momentum of a match in a split second, surely he has a strong chance of picking up this award.

The frustrating thing as a Scottish football fan at the moment is pretty much everything, from inability to re-structure the league for the better to our International team being unable to inspire and get results. The very last thing It needs right now is managers like Neil 'King of Scottish Football' Lennon throwing his expensive toys out of his wheelie bin. In my opinion, the Celtic team have lost and drawn too many games this season without their ex-girlfriend Ms Rangers being present. Outside their Champions League campaign I can confidently say that there have not really been any standout performers in the Bhoys ranks.

At the end of the day, you cannot complain if the nominees have been decided by the fellow professionals of the SPL. 

Who will come out on top? My heart says Leigh Griffiths, my head says Michael Higdon and my arse says Rafael Scheidt. 

The British & Irish Lions are going to eat your Wallabies

On Tuesday past, the British and Irish Lions touring squad to Australia was announced at 11am. Thus sparking the inevitable hysteria of: who wasn't picked? 

Most of the immediate headlines were Jonny Wilkinson based, due to his failure to make the squad. However it should really have been about the achievement of  the youngest ever captain Sam Warburton or the 'wildcard' selection of Matt Stevens who was previously banned for recreational drugs (cocaine). After the coverage of the each player who made the 37, Wilkinson released a statement basically saying that due to Toulon commitments in their bid for a Heineken Cup and Top 14 double and his physical condition he may not be able to handle a hectic tour to Australia he opted out of selection. This could be the case, but In my opinion it was badly timed. Surely a clear statement before the Lions selection would have been more creditable and not a cover up that he was not going to be in the squad or guaranteed game time by Warren Gatland...

Anyway, I digress. As a proud Scotsman, the inclusion of only 3 players in Stuart Hogg (Glasgow Warriors), Sean Maitland (Glasgow Warriors) and Richie Gray (Sale Sharks- just signed for Castres) was disappointing but not unexpected. On pure rugby ability alone, I don't think many can argue that the other possible Scotland Internationals should make the Lions squad on merit. That is just the sad realism of the matter. Regardless of the much Improved Six Nations Championship, Scotland are still seen as the weakest of the home nations. So the selection of 15 Welsh, 10 English, 9 Irish and 3 Scots is not the start of a bad joke but a fair distribution of players from the 6 Nations and recent International success for these countries.

The 3 Scotsmen picked have a genuine chance to become (World Class) big players off the back of this tour. Maitland's try scoring ability is exceptional and his proven Super 14/ Canterbury Crusaders strike rate and New Zealand pedigree is a huge positive for a wing slot in the 1st XV against the Aussies. Not to mention being picked previously by Gatland for Waikato. Richie Gray has struggled in recent months playing with a poor Sale Sharks team and having just recovered from a serious injury, however his form prior to this was exemplary for Glasgow Warriors and Scotland in the 2012 Six Nations. His lineout prowess and ball carrying skills in the contact area are very strong. But Gray is deceptively mobile and allusive at 6ft10 and 20st2lb, which adds to his chances of making the first test. Finally, Stuart Hogg is the shining light of Scottish rugby right now at the tender age of 20. A portfolio of scintillating individual tries has propelled the Hawk lad into the rugby world's spotlight. The rare natural talent of acceleration, pace and agility are enough for most rugby players to feel blessed by. However Hogg has a fantastic boot and the ability to find and create space coming from 15. He is my shout for the player that will put his hand up and create a legend for himself, purely because of his untapped versatility in the back line.

There is no doubt that Gatland, Howley, Jenkins, Farrel and Rowntree have picked the very best players available. A blend of previous Lions experience and new recruits will hopefully result in the most successful Lions tour of modern times. For Brian O'Driscall, Paul O'Connell, Gethin Jenkins and Mike Phillips this will be their last Lions tour and these four are all leaders, communicators and key cogs in the Lions machine. To match the Australians the British & Irish Lions will have to be physically competitive in all aspects of their game, especially in the forwards. The call up of Dan Lydiate from a recent injury is a gamble, but arguably has the possibly the most effective tackling in the Northern Hemisphere. His player of the tournament for the 2012 Six Nations was partly down to his ability to tackle and secure turnover ball in almost a single motion. Which against Australia is essential to provide the platform for North, Bowe, Maitland and Cuthbert to name just the wingers.

Here is my Lions XV that I would pick if the first test match was tomorrow:

 Australia are very strong in all departments especially in the form of Scott Higginbotham the rampaging skillful beast of a flanker/8 and Will Genia as the world's best scrum half and sniping linebreaker, also Digby Ioane the break-dancing wing, lethal in open play. Arguably the key man is Michael Hooper, the young pretender to the injured David Pocock. Hooper is in the frighteningly similar mold to the 'human bridge' turnover king Pocock and at the age of just 21 his potential is truly frightening.

Last but not least, there would have been numerous disappointed International players kicking TVs, throwing phones at the wall and uttering: "he's shite, I'm way better than him", when the 37 Lions were announced on Tuesday. But the inevitable injuries that players pick up at the end of a season mean for a lucky few they may get that phone call to come on tour. So here is my standby Lions XV for you to rate and tut at:

That's it ladies, the end of my first Lions post and hopefully it has been insightful and if not... Just get out.